How People Pleasing Keeps the Patriarchy Running

 

People pleasing feels like a personality trait. The over-explaining. The softening. Carrying everyone’s worries like it’s your job. But what if it’s also the thing keeping the patriarchy running?

That’s the idea clairvoyant and energy worker Christine Agro brings to this conversation. She has spent almost thirty years helping people clear old patterns, and about a year ago she started seeing a deeper one underneath all the people pleasing.

She calls it patriarchal encodement: the program that tells us everything is our responsibility, and that stepping out of line isn’t safe. Her take is that the patriarchy can’t keep running if we stop running this program inside ourselves. And no, that doesn’t mean any of this is our fault.

 

This is for you if you've been thinking:

  • I feel guilty every single time I say no, even when I know I'm right.

  • I've done years of therapy and boundary work, and I still over-give.

  • I spend way too long crafting emails and texts because I'm worried how they'll land.

  • I'm successful and outspoken at work, so why do I still feel like I'm carrying everyone at home?

  • When I ask my partner for help and he gets defensive, I end up defending myself instead of holding my ground.

  • I feel like I'm doing something wrong when I sit down and do nothing.

  • I know the patriarchy shaped me, but knowing that hasn't changed how I act.

 

Prefer to listen? Press play below:

Or listen on:

Apple Podcasts | Spotify | YouTube

What Is Patriarchal Encodement?

Christine Agro describes patriarchal encodement as a kind of energetic programming that runs under the surface and shapes how we react, respond, and what we believe we're allowed to have or do. Because it runs underneath our awareness, we tend to assume it's just who we are. Our personality. Our particular set of challenges.

Christine has worked as a clairvoyant and energy worker for almost thirty years, typically clearing what she calls "above-ground" patterns: the family dynamics, beliefs, and high-emotion moments we absorb growing up. About a year ago, she began seeing a deeper layer in her clients, particularly women who had already done a lot of personal growth work but still felt a pull of "I shouldn't do this" or "this might be dangerous" when they used their voice.

How is that different from cultural conditioning? Christine sees them as intertwined. Cultural conditioning is how we understand the pattern intellectually. Her analogy: it's like an operating program on a computer. Knowing the program is there doesn't change how the computer runs. Updating it, or deleting it, does.


Where It Shows Up: Your Voice, Your Boundaries, Your Plate

Christine names a handful of places this pattern tends to live: our voice, our boundaries, our power, our self-worth, and our ability to trust what we know. Voice is one of the biggest. We soften what we want to say. We pull back. We spend hours crafting a message. Underneath, she says, the question running is: if I say this, will I still belong? Will I be safe? Will I be accepted?

Then there's the plate spinning. Many capable women read their ability to carry everything as proof of how competent they are. Christine reads it differently: as a pattern saying "carry all of this, for everybody." When we step back and look, much of it isn't ours. Other people's lessons. Their emotional energy. Their worries. And sometimes a nineteen-point fix-it plan for a problem that was never ours to solve.

She also points to knowing. We make a decision, then second-guess it from every angle, looking for outside permission to trust what we already know. And rest: many women feel that sitting down and doing nothing isn't allowed. Christine's reframe is that sitting down is not doing nothing. It's where we regenerate.


Why Knowing Isn't Enough

If you've read the books and still feel guilty every time you say no, this part is for you. Christine's view is that awareness is the necessary first step, but understanding a pattern in your head doesn't move it. Change happens when you actually work with it.

Her simplest starting point: after you react, even after the fact, ask whether that reaction is really yours. Am I really afraid here? Do I really need to carry this? Once you start questioning it, she says, the energy starts to move. From there, anything that moves energy can help: breath, movement, walking, running, or simply the clear intention to let it go.

Christine is also direct that this usually isn't a one-and-done process, and that it's hard to do alone. She compares it to trying to do surgery on yourself. Her recommendation is to find a practitioner whose approach resonates with you, whether that's breathwork, tapping, hypnotherapy, or energy work, and try it.


When You Change, the People Around You React

Christine shares a real example from her own life. When she asked for help at home and was met with defensiveness, she used to defend herself: she wasn't controlling, she wasn't nagging. Now she holds the line instead: "I don't understand why me asking you to do this, which would make my experience easier, requires that kind of response. Is it not possible for you to do this?" 

FAQs

What is patriarchal encodement?

Patriarchal encodement is a term used by clairvoyant and energy worker Christine Agro to describe a deep layer of energetic programming that shapes how women react, respond, and what they believe they are allowed to do. It shows up as softening your voice, over-giving, taking responsibility for everyone else, and feeling unsafe when you set a boundary. Christine distinguishes it from cultural conditioning: conditioning is how we understand the pattern intellectually, while encodement is the pattern still running underneath, which she says has to be actively cleared rather than just understood.

Why do I feel guilty saying no, even after doing boundary work?

Many women find that they understand boundaries perfectly and still feel guilt, anxiety, or even physical shakiness when they hold one. Energy worker Christine Agro attributes this to patterns running below conscious awareness that link speaking up with being unsafe or not belonging. Her suggestion is to notice the reaction, ask whether it's really yours, and then use something that involves the body, like breathwork or movement, to help it move, rather than relying on insight alone.

What is the difference between people pleasing and patriarchal conditioning?

People pleasing describes the behavior: saying yes when you mean no, softening what you say, managing other people's feelings. Patriarchal conditioning describes one of the roots: generations of cultural messages that caregiving, accommodation, and carrying everything are a woman's job. The two overlap heavily, which is why people pleasing often persists even in women who are confident and successful at work.

How do I stop carrying everyone else's emotions?

Start by noticing. When you catch yourself worrying about a problem that belongs to someone else, or building a plan to fix it for them, pause and ask whether it's actually yours to carry. Christine Agro describes much of what women carry, other people's lessons, worries, and emotional energy, as never having belonged to them in the first place. Awareness is step one; a regular body-based practice, like breathwork or movement, can help release what you've been holding.

Meet Christine Agro:

Brunette woman in pink V neck blouse and charm necklace

Christine Agro is a clairvoyant, master energy worker, and founder of the Intrinsic Energy Institute. With more than 30 years of practice and a background in naturopathic medicine and master herbalism, she developed Intrinsic Energy Work and leads De-Encode, a program for clearing patriarchal encodement.

 

🎧 Other Episodes You’ll Love:

When the Patriarchy Pushes You Out, Chart a New Course: Cheyenne Richards on Starting Over in Midlife

Like what you hear?

➕ Follow Midlife Advice on Apple podcasts, Spotify or YouTube for more super smart and slightly sassy midlife conversations that blend science, intuition, and zero BS.

⭐️ Please share this episode with a friend, drop a 5-star rating and leave a review! That is the best way you can help me book more expert guests for us!





Disclaimer:

Belong Wellness and its members, managers, employees, contractors, and other agents or representatives are not licensed medical care providers and do not provide medical services or advice, including without limitation diagnosing, examining, preventing, treating, or curing any medical conditions. The information shared in this podcast is meant to be educational, not prescriptive. Please consult your medical doctor before making any changes to your diet or lifestyle. Further, the opinions of guests on this show do not necessarily reflect the opinions of Jessica or anyone affiliated with Belong Wellness.




For more midlife musings, follow me on Instagram @midlifeadvicepodcast

 
 

Hi! I’m your host, Jessica.

I am a trauma-informed breathwork facilitator, certified menopause coaching specialist, Pilates instructor, mom of two and long-time health nut here to help you feel informed, connected and badass during this wild stage of life.

 
 
 

Let’s connect!

Join my email list for more super smart and slightly sassy midlife antics.

Your first email will include a free 10-minute breathwork session to help you sleep like the queen you are!

Next
Next

How Much Should You Keep in Savings vs. Invest? A Guide for Women Over 40