Why Midlife Women Lose Their Sex Drive (And What a Sex Therapist Says Actually Helps)
If your sex drive has gone quiet and you're chalking it up to just your hormones, sex therapist Brooke Bralove wants you to think again.
In this conversation, Brooke breaks down many other reasons midlife women lose desire including resentment, exhaustion, mental overload, and unresolved trauma, and what actually helps bring it back.
This is for you if you've been thinking:
"I just don't want to have sex anymore. I WANT to want it, I just don't."
"Is this the end of my sex life forever?"
"We feel more like roommates than romantic partners."
"Everyone keeps saying it's my hormones, but something else feels off."
"I flinch when my partner touches me and I hate that I do that."
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Why Familiarity Kills Desire (And What to Do About It)
You can love your partner completely and still find them completely un-erotic. Brooke says this is one of the most common things she sees in midlife couples, and it makes neurological sense. Eroticism needs mystery, uncertainty, and novelty. Long-term relationships offer emotional safety and predictability, which is wonderful for attachment and difficult for erotic charge.
The fix is not a new partner. It's intentional novelty: planning dates, getting ready in separate rooms, introducing new experiences, letting your partner surprise you. Desire has always required investment, even when you were dating.
The Myth of Spontaneous Desire
Most of us grew up believing desire would just arrive for both of us at the exact same moment, out of nowhere. Brooke points out that this never actually happened. Even in early dating, you had the date planned for two weeks, you groomed, you bought a new outfit. That is not spontaneous.
In long-term relationships, the spontaneous desire model sets women up for failure. A woman who is managing the household one minute cannot pivot to desire in thirty seconds. Scheduling intimacy is not unromantic. It creates the mental space that allows a woman to actually show up present, which is the real ingredient for good sex.
For most women in long-term relationships, arousal tends to come before desire, not the other way around. Waiting to be in the mood is going to be a long wait. Brooke's reframe: instead of "do you want to have sex," try "are you willing to try for ten minutes and see what's there."
Resentment, Mental Load, and What's Actually Killing Your Libido
Resentment, Brooke says in this episode, is one of the biggest libido killers there is. She has never seen anyone who can feel resentful and be sexually vulnerable at the same time. Unspoken unmet needs accumulate into resentment. And resentment is a closed nervous system.
Mental overload matters just as much. Women who are running the household, the kids, and a full life cannot access desire from a nervous system locked in survival mode. The most common foreplay Brooke's clients describe: their partner loading the dishwasher. Correctly. Taking the kids without being asked. Creating space for her to decompress before intimacy ever comes up.
Her practical advice: tell your partner what you need. "I would love some alone time before our date tonight. Could you handle bedtime?" That is not killing the romance. That is creating the conditions for it.
It Might Not Be Your Hormones
Hormonal changes during perimenopause and menopause do affect desire. But Brooke sees something else underneath low libido in most of her clients: experiences the body has been carrying, often unknowingly.
She distinguishes between two categories. Big T trauma includes experiences like sexual assault, which many women have minimized or never named as such. Small t trauma includes repeated experiences of sex when you didn't really want it, something Brooke says most women have experienced in some form. When the body does this repeatedly, it learns that intimacy means compromise. The pelvic floor tightens. Painful intercourse can develop. The nervous system registers intimacy as unsafe.
The question she offers: is your low desire because your hormones shifted, or because your body no longer feels emotionally safe, connected, rested, and present?
What Is Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART)?
ART is an evidence-based treatment modality that uses rapid eye movement and voluntary image replacement to change how the brain stores distressing images and their corresponding physical sensations. It can work in as few as one to five sessions.
Brooke has helped clients resolve significant sexual trauma in two sessions. The principle: keep the knowledge, lose the pain. You won't forget what happened, but the emotional charge and the intrusive images can be resolved. The brain doesn't need facts, she says. It needs a good story. ART gives the brain a better one to store.
Results she describes: women who no longer flinch when their partner approaches. Women with anorgasmia becoming orgasmic. Couples with more connection and partners who stop inadvertently re-traumatizing each other just by reaching out for closeness.
One Thing You Can Do This Week
Reconnect with your own sensuality, not for your partner, for you. Take a bath. Find out what you find erotic. What fragrance do you love? What makes you feel something in your body? Sensuality lives in you before it gets shared with anyone else.
And try a 20-second hug with your partner every day. Research shows that 20 seconds releases endorphins that shorter hugs don't reach. Try syncing your breath while you're there. Co-regulation is one of the most underrated tools in long-term relationships.
FAQs
Why do midlife women lose their sex drive?
Multiple factors contribute, including hormonal changes during perimenopause and menopause, accumulated resentment in relationships, mental overload and exhaustion, and unresolved past experiences that affect how safe the nervous system feels around intimacy.
Is low libido in midlife always a hormone problem?
Not always. While declining estrogen and testosterone do affect desire, sex therapist Brooke Bralove says resentment, exhaustion, and unresolved trauma are often just as significant, and sometimes more so.
What is Accelerated Resolution Therapy?
ART is an evidence-based therapy that uses rapid eye movement and voluntary image replacement to help the brain reprocess distressing memories and the physical sensations that accompany them. It can resolve trauma, including sexual trauma, in one to five sessions.
What is responsive desire?
Responsive desire means that arousal tends to come before desire, not the other way around. For many women in long-term relationships, waiting to spontaneously feel in the mood doesn't work. Starting with physical closeness or erotic touch often creates the desire that follows.
Meet Brooke Bralove:
Brooke Bralove, LCSW-C, is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, psychotherapist, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and expert in trauma, sexual health, and emotional healing.
With over 20 years in private practice, she helps individuals and couples overcome anxiety, trauma, and relationship challenges so they can feel more connected, confident, and fully themselves.
Brooke integrates neuroscience-based approaches, including Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART), to create rapid and lasting change. She is a sought-after speaker known for her warmth, insight, and ability to translate complex emotional and neurological processes into practical, transformative tools.
Connect with Brooke Bralove:
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Jessica Long (00:00)
If you've found yourself thinking, I just don't want to have sex anymore and I want to want it, I just don't. Then this conversation is for you. Brooke Braylove, a sex therapist with over 20 years of experience is on the show explaining why low libido and midlife is often not just a hormone problem. We cover why familiarity kills desire, why spontaneous desire is basically a myth, how resentment and mental overload shut things down and how trauma, even the kind you don't
think of as trauma can live in your body and affect your intimacy for years. She also walks us through a neuroscience based approach called accelerated resolution therapy, which is helping women resolve everything from sexual trauma to inner child issues in as little as one session. It's fascinating. Get ready for a lot more clarity on what's going on with you and a very good reason to send your husband to go load the dishwasher.
Jessica Long (00:55)
Hello, my friend. You are in the right place. This is where smart and sassy women over 40 come to figure out all things midlife. We talk hormones, careers, relationships, and everything in between. I'm Jessica Long, health coach and fellow midlife woman on this wild ride with you. Stick around for honest conversations with experts, rebels, and wise women rewriting midlife on their own terms. Let's dive in.
Jessica Long (01:19)
We are going there today and Brooke Braylove is gonna help us figure this all out. Brooke, I'm so glad that you're on the show today. Thanks so much for being here.
Brooke Bralove, LCSW-C (01:28)
Thanks for having me, Jessica.
Jessica Long (01:30)
Well, I can't tell you how many times my friends, women in their 40s and 50s have come to me and said, I have no desire to have sex anymore. Like not even a little bit. And I understand. I feel like that happened to me. My sex drive literally exited stage left one day. No warning. It was just totally gone. And you know, the natural next question is, ⁓ gosh, how is this going to affect my relationship? And then
Is this it for me? am I never going to want to have sex again? Which one of my friends said to me, and I was like, my God, this is heartbreaking. And there can be certain root causes for this that we will talk about in a little bit. But I did first just want to talk about for those of us who've been in these relationships for a long time, there has to be some familiarity issue involved here, right? Like, is that part of what's driving this? And how do we know?
If it's that and maybe it's just a rut versus like, no, this is a deeper issue that I need to address.
Brooke Bralove, LCSW-C (02:26)
Well, certainly I see people all the time in my office when I'm doing sex therapy and the most common thing women come in with is low libido, low desire. So first of all, I think it's so important that we just name that it's pretty universal. I don't really think there's a woman who has never, ever experienced that over a lifetime, especially if she's in a long-term relationship.
And you mentioned familiarity and that really matters, in some ways there ends up being too much safety sometimes in long-term marriages. And you need emotional safety, but when it's too safe, like,
you're always there, you're always in the kitchen and you're always in the bedroom and you never travel so I see you all the time. That familiarity is not very erotic. So eroticism needs some mystery, some uncertainty. And when you're in a marriage for 20 years, it's a lot of certainty. In fact, you can usually, right, right.
Jessica Long (03:34)
Hopefully.
Brooke Bralove, LCSW-C (03:36)
And again, while that provides emotional safety, it just doesn't translate to eroticism. And so people, if they lose their libido, will often say, my gosh, am I not in love with my partner anymore? And that's actually rarely the case. If it is, you probably want to get out of that relationship potentially. But when you've lost it in mid-life, it usually has to do with things becoming
routine, boring, same old script, same old sexual script, and same old annoying habits. I always tell people, it's really hard, can I curse on here? Okay, it's really hard to wanna fuck someone when they've just cut their toenails on your shared bed. Right? Like, is anyone gonna argue with that?
Jessica Long (04:20)
Hell yes!
⁓ Should our husbands
listen to this episode?
Brooke Bralove, LCSW-C (04:35)
Exactly. And so, when you're grossed out and then it's like, hey, you want to have sex? The answer is going to be ⁓ hell no. I need to distance myself from the toenail incident to find anything, erotic. And so go ahead.
Jessica Long (04:51)
So
is newness our friend? Is this why we're hearing like role playing and bringing in toys and things like that is a good thing because it brings in that mystery and new feeling and eroticism back?
Brooke Bralove, LCSW-C (05:04)
Yes, newness is really important. I find that when people find something that, you know, quote, works, like you get on top of me and I use vibrator for five minutes and I have an orgasm and again, clearly robotic voices on purpose, right? There's no newness. It's so predictable. But what we loved about early dating or, even when we might not have been dating someone, but we were looking for someone.
is that uncertainty, that newness, that surprise. And so that's not gonna come naturally. That's not gonna come without real effort. So doing things like, I plan a date, you plan a date. Or let's get dressed in separate rooms and let's meet up in, the foyer before we go out so that I didn't see what underwear you have on underneath your
sexy black dress or I don't know what cologne you put on and I can't wait. We're animals. We want pheromones. We want newness because that is something we're attracted to. And once you put that in and you've already got the emotional safety that's usually the recipe for wonderful pleasure and eroticism. But you've got to put effort.
It's like somehow we think you should work at relationships in every way. We should work on communication. We should work on supporting each other's dreams. We should work on figuring out shared activities. But somehow sex is supposed to be just this magical thing. And it sets us up for feeling less than and really self-doubting what is just kind of normal.
Jessica Long (06:52)
Yeah, and thank you for normalizing that. And you're right. We are just animals at the end of the day. And you're touching on something that I wanted to ask about, which was this concept of spontaneous desire and our expectation that that's how it's going to be all the time. And I I listened to you on another podcast and totally caught myself saying, my God, this is part of my problem is that I think that desire is going to be spontaneous for both of us at the exact same time. And that's just totally unrealistic.
I loved the example that you gave, which was even when you were dating and you were calling that spontaneous, it was not spontaneous. You had that date planned for at least two weeks, let's say. And three days before you went and groomed yourself and then you bought a new outfit and you got all ready There's nothing spontaneous about that. So how can we bring what what what's the opposite of like planned plans desire? Like how can we bring that into our relationship in a way that doesn't
feel robotic.
Brooke Bralove, LCSW-C (07:50)
So I believe that planned sex actually increases in the moment spontaneity. And I know that sounds sort of counterintuitive. I work with lot of heterosexual couples, so I'm going to mostly be talking about that. A lot of the men just groan when the word scheduling comes up, But when you value something, you schedule it.
If you really value this, then why wouldn't you have to schedule it? And this is where the brain matters so much especially a woman's brain, she cannot transition from infant puking on my sweater, still have to write three emails and then, ⁓ wait, I also need to have sex right now and I have to transition quickly. So it's unfair to think
that you can do that. So when you plan it, you're setting the stage so that you can be fully present in the experience. Being embodied during sex is the key, getting out of your monkey mind and getting into your body. So I think spontaneous is kind of a myth,
But it really is harmful because what we know about arousal and desire is that often, we wait around to be in the mood. Well, that's really hard for a working mom of three to just spontaneously be in the mood. But when we tell her, hey honey, I'm going to do the dishes tonight. Why don't you go take a bath? Why don't you spend some alone time? Why don't you
do something fun for yourself. That is the transition that a lot of women need in order to get present. But you can't...
Jessica Long (09:46)
It's also
really sexy when you step up and do some housework or childcare work.
Brooke Bralove, LCSW-C (09:51)
100%. I mean, what is foreplay to, you a woman? It's you loading the dishwasher. Not just loading it, but loading it correctly, right?
Jessica Long (10:02)
⁓ That's not too much to ask.
Brooke Bralove, LCSW-C (10:03)
You just have to tolerate it being good enough and the gesture. So women want stuff off their plate so they can find space inside their own brain to rediscover desire. when you're, yeah. And it really is a gift to just say, hun, I got the kids tonight.
Jessica Long (10:19)
Amen.
Brooke Bralove, LCSW-C (10:26)
Like we had planned to have a sexy date later and I was thinking you might want a little alone time beforehand. And it makes a difference. And she's much more willing to show up enthusiastically rather than simply dreading, my God, is he going to initiate tonight? gosh, I hope he doesn't initiate, And so often women's bodies, they just get real tight. because
They don't want to, but...
Jessica Long (10:51)
And what I want
to talk about that, because I think it's pretty common for one person to have the desire and the other not and the other to just kind of, hate to use the word concede, but that's kind of what's happening. I was thinking about this when I was coming up with questions for you, I'm like, how damaging could that be if you keep doing that over time? And that's going to lead to resentment if nothing else, not to mention maybe some trauma when your body's experiencing something that you don't want to be experiencing.
Brooke Bralove, LCSW-C (11:18)
Yeah, so I want to differentiate between the feeling of I literally do not want to be sexual right now. That is clear. But for a lot of women, it's sort of like, well, I want to want to have sex and I know it's good for the relationship. I know we feel closer to each other after. I know once we get started, it's going to be fine, even enjoyable. ⁓
Jessica Long (11:35)
Mm-hmm.
Brooke Bralove, LCSW-C (11:49)
is what I call the willingness to try. some language that can be more useful is not do you want to have sex, because a lot of women are going to say no, but the invitation is are you willing to try for 10 minutes and just see what's there. And so if you start with just sort of erotic touch or some foreplay, then you often will transition.
Because for most women in long-term relationships, arousal has to come before desire. So we can't wait for lightning to strike that we're going to just be in the mood. We have to get ourselves going physically. Because once you find that something's actually kind of pleasurable, the desire will come after that. And you are right that
resentment kills libido like a motherfucker.
Jessica Long (12:48)
You heard it here first, people.
Brooke Bralove, LCSW-C (12:51)
I've never seen-
I've never seen someone who can feel resentful and be willing to be vulnerable sexually at the exact same time. And so, yes, that will build and grow if, certainly if the woman's not getting anything out of it. So if she's actually not even having pleasure, then she's going to be even more resentful. But that's where, you you've got to decrease the resentment by saying, what do you need from me, honey? How can I help you?
And a lot of men just aren't willing to do that, frankly.
Jessica Long (13:25)
Well, that's a shame. Because I also think like circling back to what we were saying, it's the smallest things that could actually lead to desire, like loading the dishwasher or I mean, for me, it's picking up some of the childcare stuff without me asking you to do it. So just noticing I am feeling really overloaded and what a huge relief it would be for me if you showered them tonight, not me. that to me is huge because it makes me
feel seen, validated, and like I'm in a partnership and that's sexy to me.
Brooke Bralove, LCSW-C (14:01)
It is sexy. I want to challenge you on one piece of that though, which is that if we are waiting around to see if our partner notices our distress or stress or overload and they don't, that is actually testing them in a way that I don't know is always fair. And frankly, they're usually going to fail at it. So are you saying I would like some help and
Jessica Long (14:05)
Do it.
Brooke Bralove, LCSW-C (14:30)
this would free me up to tune more into my erotic self. Would you be willing to do that? I think it's okay to ask and frankly a lot of women are just not willing to do it and I think they're gonna be unhappy for a long time because we have to ask for what we want.
Jessica Long (14:49)
⁓ gosh,
totally. I know, and believe me, I've done years of therapy and working on that because I came from a place where I was, on my soapbox saying like, I shouldn't have to ask for anything. You should just know. And if you don't, then you're not the right partner for me. I actually thought that in my twenties and I've come a long way and I totally see how that's unfair now, especially being on the other side of it. I have no idea what's in your brain and what you're thinking unless you tell me.
so I agree that it needs to be communicated, but I guess I was just saying this from the standpoint that like we've had these conversations many times and like, know, what would take this off me and then to just see it in the moment and offer to do it that's one of the sexiest things my husband can do right now is just take some of that load off.
Brooke Bralove, LCSW-C (15:31)
Yeah, I mean,
I literally remember when I was divorced, but when I was married, I remember there was this one time where he offered to clean up the kitchen or something. And I literally was like instantly turned on. I mean, it's actually amazing. And so we've got to attend to women's mental state in order to create space for eroticism in their brain and in their body.
Jessica Long (15:58)
totally agree, as an Enneagram five, and I used to call myself, what was the term? Sapiosexual. I'm really attracted to someone who's really intelligent. So you're talking my language when you're speaking in those terms. I do want to get back to the root cause that we talked about the very beginning. So a lot of us are hearing you have a low libido because your quote unquote sex hormones are declining. And so if you just replace those, you're going to be great and it will come back. And I think for a lot of people, it really does help.
Brooke Bralove, LCSW-C (16:03)
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Jessica Long (16:26)
But I think you make an interesting point that that's not always the only issue going on and that there could be other things. So tell us what you see in your practice as other reasons why low libido may be happening.
Brooke Bralove, LCSW-C (16:40)
So again, resentment is number one for me. and it's the resentment that's not getting spoken, it's unmet needs that turn into resentment, but you're not usually speaking them. Or maybe you've spoken them 8,000 times and now you're just tired, I mean, of doing that. So resentment is key. Sheer exhaustion.
We are tired. We're a tired society. Women are really still doing every single thing they used to do and more. so just sheer fatigue. You when people say I'm just too tired, I understand that. Now, there needs to be an adaptation around that, so maybe you don't, start foreplay at 11 p.m. when your bedtime was 10.
So I do think you've got to take that into account, that you yourself, like I am tired at 9 p.m. Well that means that you need to be scheduling sex at 7 or at 8. So again, I think you you got to take responsibility. But I also think there are things that get in the way around maybe even unknown trauma.
most women, unfortunately, have been coerced into sex at some point. And I'm not even saying a full blown sexual assault, but I think it's hard to find a woman who hasn't had the experience of having sex when they really didn't feel like it or want to. When you do that over and over again, you are basically telling your brain that
this is not safe and I'm doing something that my nervous system wants to shut down around. Well, if you end up literally dissociating or shutting down or going somewhere else in your mind and you do that over and over again, that is literally going to, for instance, tighten your pelvic floor. It can lead to painful intercourse.
because the body doesn't feel safe. literally a vagina needs to open up to accept, a dildo, a vibrator, a penis, fingers, whatever it is. And it can't do that if it always feels like it's compromising itself or it's doing something that they don't feel like doing. And so all these little things, repetitively over time.
Then there's also what does happen, which is big T sexual trauma. sometimes people may not remember it or they may not be aware or they may have downplayed that it was a sexual assault. I see so many women who will not use the word sexual assault based on something that happened in college. And when you dig deeper, it really was a sexual assault.
they have not registered that and they need permission to be validated in that way. That actually what happened was not what you wanted and that will show up in the body and in the brain around connection and intimacy.
Jessica Long (19:57)
I think too, the word shame is coming up. A lot of us like super high capacity, high achieving midlife women, it can get everything done. Don't necessarily want the identity of being the victim of a sexual assault. I think that might be another reason why it's hard to categorize it that way.
Brooke Bralove, LCSW-C (20:14)
Nobody wants to join that club. Nobody. But what I do find is when I give permission to people to be able to process it as something that their body did not want, then it is less about labeling it. I'm not attached to the label, but I am attached to validating that woman's experience and saying, I know you don't want to be part of this club, but
It may help you have more self-compassion around why it's so difficult now. And that's what we're always trying to do. Self-compassion helps with shame. You gotta douse shame with some self-compassion because otherwise you're going, what's wrong with me? Why can't I do this? I'm a terrible wife. I'm disappointing my partner and you're not going to get
better that way, so to speak.
Jessica Long (21:11)
And so how are you gonna get better? how do you help your clients who have any kind of trauma that's now showing up as not wanting to have sex?
Brooke Bralove, LCSW-C (21:20)
Well, first of all, lots of psycho education around how a dysregulated nervous system is going to prioritize safety, survival, like dissociation or freezing. And it's not going to prioritize sensuality and pleasure because it's stuck in fight, flight, freeze or fawn. And you've got to calm the nervous system. So this is where I want to introduce this wonderful
treatment modality called accelerated resolution therapy or ART. I am using that in my practice and can absolutely help people radically change and resolve sexual trauma or other trauma. And the byproduct is often that their libido increases, their attraction for their partner increases.
Some people with anorgasmia are becoming orgasmic. And some people even report just liking their partner more. And so that's pretty magical, right? A lot of women would sign up for those things.
Jessica Long (22:27)
Yeah, exactly.
All right. So tell us what this is. I've done a little research on it myself, and it's fascinating.
Brooke Bralove, LCSW-C (22:35)
So ART is an evidence-based treatment modality that uses rapid eye movement and something called voluntary image replacement to basically change the way the brain stores distressing images and the corresponding negative sensations that show up in the body. And we actually can do that in as few as one session, but often in one to five sessions. I I have helped people
resolve very traumatic sexual assault in only two sessions. That they are able to let go of those intrusive thoughts, intrusive images, and simply respond differently. So for a lot of people who've had sexual assault, if they ever see a TV show, a movie that has sexual assault, they are re-traumatized.
Jessica Long (23:29)
Mm-hmm.
Brooke Bralove, LCSW-C (23:30)
They don't want to be retriomatized. They want to just be able to watch TV. And this can allow complete neutrality toward what you experienced. And so what we say in ART is keep the knowledge, lose the pain. You're never going to forget the facts of what happened to you, but you will lose the emotional impact and those images that you often cannot get out of your mind no matter what you do, no matter
how much insight oriented psychotherapy you have. It's just not budging. And ART comes in and we give the brain something different to store instead of the trauma. And it's like, cool, let's update this. don't want to hold on to that. Let's give ourselves a new story. And we store that in the brain and this stuff resolves on its own.
Jessica Long (24:26)
So give me more specifics. are we replacing it with an image of an ice cream cone? something that brings us joy? what are we talking about here?
Brooke Bralove, LCSW-C (24:33)
Well, ART is very creative. so let's take the example of years and years of painful sex, Maybe the person has vulvodynia or vestibulitis or some reason that sex has been painful. Well, you pull up those negative experiences, you have them see it.
And when they see it in their mind while they're doing calming bilateral eye movements, they're very likely to have negative sensations in the body. Literally, their pelvic floor might tighten or their chest tightens or they begin shaking. And you basically use the calming eye movements to slowly make those more neutral, those sensations.
And then you desensitize them to it. You have them see that whole scene again, that montage of painful sex. And the second time they're looking at it, it can look a little different. It's lost some of the charge or it may feel further away or more distant. And then you ask them to direct the way they wish it had happened. So instead of seeing painful sex, they see orgasmic sex. They see
desire and eroticism and deep connection. And then they store that in the brain so that the next time they go to be intimate with their partner, their brain is like, ⁓ we remember this and it was pleasurable. So their pelvic floor will literally stop gripping so hard because it isn't expecting pain anymore.
it's expecting some pleasure because you just told the brain that it is pleasurable. The brain doesn't need facts. It needs a good story.
Jessica Long (26:27)
Well, I've learned that to be true because I tell myself a lot of stories and end up believing them and they're not true at all. But imagining if there had been a very traumatic event, do you have to replace that with positive sexual images? Cause you said, what, did you want that to do? So I'm kind of thinking like if, this were me and it's, hard to imagine because I've not experienced this, but I would maybe want to envision, I never went on that date.
Or I said no, or I got up and left the room and slammed the door in his face. could you replace it with images like that that feel empowering?
Brooke Bralove, LCSW-C (27:02)
100%. And that's why in an intake, I'm going to try to find what are the feelings that remain. So if someone says, I had a sexual assault and I just can't get rid of this helpless feeling, then what they are likely to do or what I might even suggest is that they give themselves the experience of the complete opposite. They fought the person off. They called the police. They got help.
or they never went to the party or they never, started drinking that night if they blame themselves when alcohol is, present, which is often what happens. So absolutely. And the brain will show you what it needs to heal. Maybe they didn't feel protected as a child by their parents and then went on to have a sexual assault. I might say,
why don't you go to the parent store and get a better dad to come in and prevent this from ever happening. And so they often can heal some inner child wounds that they may not even know is part of the trauma. But when you, make them have this better dad come in and be like, over my dead body, are you touching my daughter? That can be very healing. and so,
I don't always know what they need, but I can usually tell when the director part of it isn't quite right. And I'm always going to go for, what do you need to heal? Do you need to fight back? Do you need to be protected? And I will often hear a piece of that in the intake session. And that's why I have to be so attuned, because sometimes I will have to make a suggestion.
And a lot of times my suggestions really help and then they get to those positive sensations. But no, it doesn't have to be anything. A lot of the times it can just be that it never happens.
Jessica Long (28:59)
So interesting, because it sounds like this technique could work for so many different things, like you said, not just sexual trauma, but rewriting our story if that's what we need in order to move forward. So for someone who did have sexual trauma and they used this therapy, what does healed look like to you? what does that actually mean? How does that show up in their life?
Brooke Bralove, LCSW-C (29:21)
it depends how it's been showing up recently, but most people don't want to flinch when their partner kisses them on their neck. that's a very common thing. So I have people come in and just say, it's so awful. I can't help myself, but I immediately flinch. if he surprises me or if he touches me and they feel terrible about it. And frankly, the
partners feel terrible about it. They are just trying to love their partner and they can't do that because of the trauma. And so when it's healed, they don't respond that way.
But it's like they don't even notice it when it disappears until you draw their attention to it. so that's a healed nervous system. And that's going to translate into better connection, more intimacy, more pleasure, more arousal. And frankly, it's just going to be healing for the relationship because no one wants to re-traumatize their partner. They just want to be close.
Jessica Long (30:22)
Yeah, of course. I know I think about the poor partner in that situation who doesn't know exactly what happened, doesn't necessarily know what your triggers are until it's too late. Okay, well, we do need to wrap up, but what is one thing that listeners can do this week to improve their sex life if they're feeling low libido?
Brooke Bralove, LCSW-C (30:42)
the first thing I would say that they need to do is reconnect with themselves. They need to figure out what is actually pleasurable to them. Sexuality comes from self. I always say to people, your sexuality is yours. Whether you choose to share that with anyone is your choice, or many people, that's your choice.
At the end of the day, we have to find what is erotic inside of ourselves. So taking a bath, touching yourself, and that can be masturbation, but not necessarily. putting on a fragrance that you love, not for your partner. lingerie can be for you. So what do you feel erotic wearing, touching, tasting?
So doing more of that, the second thing I want to recommend is a 20 second hug with you and your partner. Research shows that a 20 second hug releases all these fabulous, endorphins. And it sounds simple, but I've been thanked repeatedly by just encouraging people to do a 20 second hug every single day. It will change things.
Jessica Long (31:58)
I'm going to make my husband listen to this because we have this long standing joke that I have had to teach him how to hug longer. He'll come up and just be like, hug. OK, great. Moving on. I'm like, no, no, no, it's not over yet. Just stay there. Hang on. Hang on. You can do it. And like his body gets tense and he's wanting to run onto the next thing. And 12 years and still training him. And we're getting we're getting closer to that 20 seconds. I'm going to make him listen to this.
Make him do the 20 second hug or not make him but invite him to do a 20 second hug with me.
Brooke Bralove, LCSW-C (32:27)
Exactly. And
that's exactly what it is. It's an invitation. And you could even try to synchronize your breath because that is emotional regulation and, nervous system regulation. So, yeah. ⁓ there you go.
Jessica Long (32:32)
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Co-regulation. Yeah, we do that and I'm a breathwork facilitator and we do that in breathwork.
Yeah. Thank you so much for coming on. Where can everybody find you and learn more about your work?
Brooke Bralove, LCSW-C (32:55)
you can find me at brookbralev.com and on Instagram and Facebook at Brooke Bralev Psychotherapy.
Jessica Long (33:03)
Wonderful, and we'll link all that up in the show notes. Thanks so much for sharing your wisdom with us today.
Brooke Bralove, LCSW-C (33:08)
Thanks for having me.
Jessica Long (33:11)
Okay, let's wrap up with the good news. Low libido and midlife does not mean your sex life is over. It means something needs attention, and most of those things can be addressed. It just takes some work. And remember these three things. One, spontaneous desire is basically a myth. Sometimes arousal has to come before desire, not the other way around. Waiting to be in the mood can be a very long wait. Two, resentment is one of the biggest libido killers there is.
What feels like lost attraction is often just unspoken unmet needs that have been piling up. And three, it's rarely just your hormones. Exhaustion, mental overload, and past experiences all play a role, and there are real tools that can help you. If this episode helped you, I invite you to share it with your partner. That could be an easy way to bring up some of these topics that can feel kind of tricky. And if you're not already, please make sure you're following the show so the next awesome episode drops right into your feed.
I will see you then, my friend.
Chapters:
00:00 Understanding Low Libido in Midlife Women
03:11 The Role of Familiarity and Newness in Relationships
05:57 The Myth of Spontaneous Desire
08:55 The Importance of Communication and Willingness
11:49 Addressing Resentment and Unmet Needs
14:21 Exploring Root Causes of Low Libido
17:03 Healing from Trauma and Its Impact on Desire
19:49 Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART) Explained
22:37 Practical Steps to Reconnect with Desire
🎧 Other Episodes You’ll Love:
Not Feeling Heard in Your Relationship? How to Rebuild Connection in Midlife (5-Step Framework)
Midlife Marriage on the Rocks? Here’s What to Do
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Disclaimer:
Belong Wellness and its members, managers, employees, contractors, and other agents or representatives are not licensed medical care providers and do not provide medical services or advice, including without limitation diagnosing, examining, preventing, treating, or curing any medical conditions. The information shared in this podcast is meant to be educational, not prescriptive. Please consult your medical doctor before making any changes to your diet or lifestyle. Further, the opinions of guests on this show do not necessarily reflect the opinions of Jessica or anyone affiliated with Belong Wellness.
