Are You Sabotaging Your Own Joy? How to Stop Holding Yourself Back in Midlife
Tamar Hurwitz-Fleming
Award-winning author and Birthday Coach
listen or watch on:
Apple Podcasts | Spotify | YouTube
Have you ever noticed that just when life starts to feel really good, you start bracing for something bad to happen? Or you even do something to sabotage yourself, like picking a fight? That’s what psychologists call the Upper Limits Problem.
In this week’s episode, I sit down with award-winning author Tamar Hurwitz-Fleming to talk about why joy can feel so hard to hold onto, and how birthdays—yes, birthdays—can actually teach us how to expand our capacity for joy.
Why We Sabotage Joy
Tamar explains that most of us have an invisible “joy ceiling.” When life feels too good, we instinctively bring ourselves back down to a level of happiness we’re more comfortable with. This self-sabotage often stems from early childhood experiences that taught us joy wasn’t safe, reliable, or deserved.
Birthdays as a Mirror
Birthdays, Tamar says, are like a magnifying glass for this pattern. Maybe you ignore your birthday, set yourself up for disappointment, or cringe at the idea of being celebrated. Those reactions aren’t just about cake and candles—they reflect deeper beliefs about your worthiness to receive love and joy.
A Practice Ground for More Joy
The good news? Birthdays can also be a practice ground. By planning ahead and creating a day that feels authentic, you can stretch your joy threshold in small, manageable ways. Tamar encourages us to see birthdays as a personal new year—a chance to reflect, reset, and choose joy on our own terms.
Modeling for Our Kids
We also talk about how the way we treat our own birthdays sends powerful messages to our kids. If we minimize our milestones, they learn to do the same. But when we embrace joy and celebration—even in simple, meaningful ways—we model self-worth, resilience, and the idea that aging is something to honor, not fear.
Key Takeaways
We all have an Upper Limits Problem—an unconscious ceiling on how much joy we’ll allow ourselves before we sabotage it.
Birthdays highlight these patterns but can also be the perfect opportunity to practice receiving more joy.
Celebrating ourselves isn’t selfish—it’s fuel for our well-being and a powerful example for our kids.
🎧 Listen to the full episode for an inspiring conversation that just might have you saying, “Yep, I definitely do that. Why do I do that??”
💌 And if you enjoyed it, please share this episode with a friend who doesn’t love her birthday—because maybe it’s time she had a different story about celebrating herself.
Chapters:
03:34 The Upper Limits Problem
06:45 How to Use Your Birthday To Expand Your Joy Threshold
08:51 How & Why We Sabotage Our Birthday
12:15 How Jessica Sabotages Her Birthday
17:31 How Parents Can Help Their Kids Expand Their Thresholds for Joy
21:19 How to Have A Happy Birthday in December
23:48 Why It's Important to Celebrate On Your Actual Birthday
26:13 Want to Have A Happy Birthday? Start Here.
29:23 Key takeaways
About Tamar Hurwitz-Fleming:
Tamar Hurwitz-Fleming is a birthday coach dedicated to helping people harness the transformational power of their birthdays so they can experience more joy, meaning, and fulfillment in their lives. Growing up, Tamar had happy, sad and terrible birthdays until she realized that having a fulfilling birthday was entirely up to her. In her award-winning book, “How to Have a Happy Birthday,” and its new companion workbook, Tamar explores why birthdays matter, why they can be hard for us, and what we can do to fully put ourselves in the center of our day.
Connect with Tamar:
➡️ https://howtohaveahappybirthday.com/
🎧 Other Episodes You Might Enjoy:
I Checked All the Boxes, So Why Am I Still Unsatisfied? w/Anna K. Morris
How Knowing Your Enneagram Type Can Make Your Life Easier w/Ali Dunn
Like what you hear?
➕ Follow Belong Wellness on Apple podcasts, Spotify or YouTube for more super smart and slightly sassy midlife conversations that blend science, intuition, and zero BS.
⭐️ Please share this episode with a friend, drop a 5-star rating and leave a review! I promise I will do a happy dance if you do.
Disclaimer:
Belong Wellness and its members, managers, employees, contractors, and other agents or representatives are not licensed medical care providers and do not provide medical services or advice, including without limitation diagnosing, examining, preventing, treating, or curing any medical conditions. The information shared in this podcast is meant to be educational, not prescriptive. Please consult your medical doctor before making any changes to your diet or lifestyle. Further, the opinions of guests on this show do not necessarily reflect the opinions of Jessica or anyone affiliated with Belong Wellness.
