Not Feeling Heard in Your Relationship? How to Rebuild Connection in Midlife (5-Step Framework)
If you’re not feeling heard in your relationship, you’re not alone. Especially in midlife when communication with your partner can start to feel harder, more reactive, or stuck in the same frustrating patterns.
Maybe conversations feel like logistics. Or they turn into criticism or defensiveness before you even get to what actually matters. You’re not trying to fight. You want to feel close again. But somehow, the moment things get real, it goes sideways.
In this episode, I’m joined by Dr. Stephanie Bacon to break down why communication in relationships often breaks down in midlife, and what actually helps you rebuild connection. She shares a simple, practical 5-step framework called PHIES that helps you communicate what’s really going on beneath the surface so both you and your partner feel seen, heard, and understood.
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Why Communication Feels Harder in Midlife Relationships
At this stage of life, you’re carrying more than ever—career demands, kids, aging parents, shifting identities.
And all of that shows up in how you communicate.
Instead of connection, you might notice:
• Conversations staying surface-level
• The same arguments happening on repeat
• Increased defensiveness (on both sides)
• Feeling unseen or misunderstood
It’s not that you’ve forgotten how to communicate. It’s that your old way of communicating no longer works for this version of your life.
The PHIES Framework: A 5-Step Way to Rebuild Connection
Dr. Stephanie Bacon teaches a framework called PHIES to help couples reconnect through more intentional communication.
PHIES stands for:
• Physical – How you feel in your body (energy, tension, fatigue)
• Hamster Wheel – What’s running in the background of your mind
• Intellectual – What’s engaging or draining you mentally
• Emotional – What you’re actually feeling beneath the surface
• Social / Sexual / Spiritual – How you’re experiencing connection
This framework helps you move beyond surface-level conversations and talk about your full human experience (the part that actually creates intimacy).
The Missing Piece: Your Nervous System
One of the biggest shifts from this conversation is understanding that communication isn’t just about what you say. It’s about the state you’re in when you say it.
If you’re dysregulated, overwhelmed, or already defensive, the conversation is likely to go sideways.
Before you start:
• Take a few deep breaths
• Sit close or hold hands
• Go for a walk or move your body
When your body shifts, your conversation can too.
Why Trying to Be Right Keeps You Stuck
Most communication breakdowns come back to one thing:
Trying to be right instead of trying to understand.
When you shift to curiosity, you create space for your partner to actually open up.
And when they feel heard, they’re much more likely to hear you.
What to Do When Your Partner Gets Defensive
Defensiveness is often a signal, not a problem.
It usually means your partner doesn’t feel seen or understood.
Instead of reacting:
• Notice the shift in tone or body language
• Ask what they’re feeling in their body
• Validate their experience (without needing to agree)
Two things can be true at the same time. Learning to hold that is a game changer.
How to Start (Even If You Feel Disconnected)
If you’re feeling distant, start here:
Tell the truth.
Instead of:
“I need to talk to you…”
Try:
“I want to feel more connected to you.”
That one shift can completely change how your partner receives the conversation.
Key Takeaways
• Feeling unheard in a relationship is often a communication pattern, not a permanent problem
• Midlife stress and life transitions can make connection harder without intentional effort
• The PHIES framework helps you communicate what’s really going on beneath the surface
• Regulating your nervous system is essential for productive conversations
• The goal is not to be right—it’s to understand
FAQs
Why do I feel unheard in my relationship?
Feeling unheard often comes from communication patterns where both partners are reacting or defending instead of truly listening and understanding.
How can I improve communication with my partner in midlife?
Start by regulating your nervous system and using a structured approach like PHIES to talk about your full experience, not just surface-level issues.
What should I do if my partner gets defensive?
Stay curious. Ask questions, validate their experience, and focus on understanding instead of correcting.
Meet Dr. Stephanie Bacon:
Dr. Stephanie Bacon is an organizational consultant, speaker, and former educator with over two decades of experience working inside complex systems. She specializes in adult social and emotional competence and nervous system regulation as the foundation for collaborative, high-performing workplaces.
Before launching her consulting work, Stephanie served as a classroom teacher, instructional coach, and leader, where she saw a consistent pattern: when adults are overwhelmed and operating under chronic stress, even the best strategies fall short. When adults build regulation, emotional mastery, and relational skill, everything works better.
Stephanie is also a mother and a partner, and she brings this whole-human perspective into her work. Her Embodied SEL approach helps people foster healthier relationships—not just at work, but across all parts of life by helping people learn how to communicate what's true for them in a way that creates connection rather than conflict.
Connect with Dr. Steph:
RippleEffectEmbodiedSEL.com | @RippleEffectwithDrSteph | TikTok
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Jessica Long (00:00)
At some point in midlife, a lot of women start to say about their relationships, I'm not unhappy, but I don't feel super connected either. Or every conversation with my partner turns into logistics, criticism or defensiveness. And you're not trying to fight, you actually want to connect. But the moment the conversation gets real, it somehow goes sideways.
Today's guest, Dr. Stephanie Bacon, is here to help us change that dynamic. She is an organizational consultant, speaker, and former educator who specializes in adult social and emotional competence and nervous system regulation, helping us communicate what's true for us in a way that creates connection instead of conflict. I can't wait for you to hear what she has to say.
Jessica Long (00:40)
Hello, my friend. You are in the right place. This is where smart and sassy women over 40 come to figure out all things midlife. We talk hormones, careers, relationships, and everything in between. I'm Jessica Long, health coach and fellow midlife woman on this wild ride with you. Stick around for honest conversations with experts, rebels, and wise women rewriting midlife on their own terms. Let's dive in.
Jessica Long (01:04)
You may have many years of experience, decades even, in a marriage or a long-term partnership by now, but do you really know how to communicate effectively with your partner? I know that I personally feel like a novice in this area more times than I'd like to admit, which is why I'm so glad Dr. Stephanie Bacon is here to teach us how to communicate with our partners in a way that makes us and them feel, seen, heard, validated, and loved. Dr. Steph-
Thanks so much for coming on the show.
Stephanie Bacon (01:36)
I'm so excited to be here. One thing I was thinking of in preparing for the show is what drove me to desire this level of communication with my partner. And it was really that experience we have when we hang out with our girlfriends and we return from that feeling like so seen and so connected. And so it was that memory. It's like, yeah, that's what I love about this is finding a way to communicate with my partner and feel that same level of intimacy.
Jessica Long (02:05)
You're telling me there's a chance. Okay. Okay. ⁓
Stephanie Bacon (02:09)
I think there is,
I think there is. I'm always a helpful person, but I've actually also seen it work. I've used this protocol for talking to my partner and my two sons as well.
Jessica Long (02:21)
Okay, tell us what this protocol is and how you discovered it because you told me about it in our initial conversation. It's kind of a fun story.
Stephanie Bacon (02:29)
Okay, so the protocol is called PHIES and that's P-H-I-E-S and I'm going to describe how I found it and how I changed the name. So first of all, I learned of it as PIEs, P-I-E-S, and the truth of the story is that when I was about to get divorced from my now ex-husband, he started going to a men's group. And I think many people in midlife can identify with
when it gets really real for their partners, they decide to do something different. And my ex decided to go to a men's group. And at that point, our marriage had been struggling for about two years. And when we tried the protocol, it was moderately successful, but there had been a lot of damage that it couldn't undo,
So fast forward two more years, I'm divorced and I'm dating a really nice man who says, Hey, I want to connect with you. Do you mind if we use this men's group protocol? Pies. I was like, I know this protocol and sure, let's try it. So I was definitely more open to it at that time because there was less damage between me and this human.
And so we went through it and at the end, I kind of had that girls weekend experience where I was like, I feel so connected. And even at that time, I knew this man wasn't the man for me. but I felt really connected and actually we're still good friends. That connection, that ability to connect at a deeper level led to a friendship,
Jessica Long (04:07)
Okay, you're selling me on the power of this. What does pies and fies stand for? What is this framework?
Stephanie Bacon (04:15)
So it's a way of holding space for all aspects of being human with another human that you want to connect with.
Jessica Long (04:24)
And so
let me just stop you really quick because I feel like holding space is one of those trendy terms that we're hearing all the time. And probably some people listening are saying, what the fuck does that actually mean? What does it mean to you in this conversation?
Stephanie Bacon (04:38)
You know, it's funny because I wrote down to say creating space because I know that holding space has maybe been overused and under defined. But really it's that we get so busy in day to day tasks. We go to work, we feed ourselves, we talk about our family, we talk about our bills, we talk about politics, and there isn't any space to talk about our humanity.
And we are such complex beings that we need a lot of space to talk about it. So the PIEs acronym, and I turned it into PHYs, so I'm just going to change it right now. I added an H, people. That's all I did. And it wasn't even a sophisticated H. You'll laugh when you hear it. So as humans, we are physical beings. We are intellectual beings. We are emotional beings.
Jessica Long (05:16)
Hahaha!
Stephanie Bacon (05:28)
We are sexual beings. are spiritual beings. We are social beings. So the S, there's a bunch of S's there. All I did was add H for hamster wheel. I told you it is not. But it's because.
I noticed in the practice itself that I could be listening to my partner and have a few hamster wheels going on. Or I could notice at the end of the week that I was in kind of a grumpy mood and it was really all the hamster wheels.
Jessica Long (05:59)
And tell me what a hamster wheel means in this scenario.
Stephanie Bacon (06:03)
It's what's running in your back channel. What is on my back channel? Right now, my mom just lost her sister and her brother. And of course, they're all in their 80s, but it's still hard. That's on my back channel. This photo shoot is on my back channel. My son's 21st birthday is on my back channel. Hosting my friends is on my back channel. My partner's elderly parents is on my back channel, So recognizing that.
Jessica Long (06:23)
Okay.
Stephanie Bacon (06:28)
and sharing it can help the other person, understand all that you're carrying. And a lot of times what is on our hamster wheel actually does involve that person, but we haven't figured out or given the time to talk about it.
Jessica Long (06:43)
So you're saying the PIEs framework wouldn't work if the recipient is in their hamster world, or even if the person who's trying to communicate using that framework is basically considering all these other open browser tabs they have in their brain.
Stephanie Bacon (06:57)
Exactly. And so that's why that that H is right up front. So essentially the P stands for physical. The physical check-in can just be like, how are you feeling physically? Low energy, high energy. it can be sensations in the body. I'm feeling tightness.
it could be, gosh, I'm feeling more tired than I normally do, or I'm not getting as much sleep And it's all just.
Jessica Long (07:18)
And then you also
said that the physical part involves just touching your partner as you're having this conversation, right?
Stephanie Bacon (07:25)
Yes, so In all of my work, what separates the work I do from other, educators or consultants is I've realized and studied the fact that people need a physiological change before they can have a mindset or emotional change.
Jessica Long (07:42)
body first.
Stephanie Bacon (07:43)
Body
first. And so one of the prerequisites I would want your audience to know is somehow before engaging this protocol is to make sure you're not coming to it with your existing rat race or disassociated mentality. Meaning you might have to take that extra step and say, hey, hun, I want to connect with you. Let's sit down where we can.
hold hands or somebody's getting a foot rub, And that's gonna lead to that little boost of an oxytocin, And so then you've had that physiological change.
But essentially, we can't expect different outcomes when we're bringing the same physiology.
Jessica Long (08:25)
I can attest to that. mean, when you try to walk into a conversation all hot and bothered, it never works out well. So for me, I'm thinking too, I've been doing so much breath work recently, as you know, hands on heart, eyes closed, three to five deep breaths can completely change my state of being and just put me in a place where I'm so much.
more aligned to have a more neutral conversation and also receive whatever may be coming my way with more openness.
Stephanie Bacon (08:59)
Right, and so you know what works for you and then also being open to what works for your partner because it might be different, My ex-husband loved to fiddle in the yard and would come in so calm, whereas if that were me, I would be so frustrated. it's just chores, right? But really accepting that that person has their way of state change.
Then once you get connected, maybe you want to say, hey, let's put our hands on each other's hearts and take those deep breaths. But that might not be a first blush. That might be a second or third blush when you are feeling more connected.
Jessica Long (09:34)
Mm-hmm. Yeah, because I imagine a lot of times when this framework is put into place, it's when a couple is feeling disconnected. So can this framework actually bring those two people closer together?
Stephanie Bacon (09:47)
It absolutely can. And it's actually something my partner and I use. We'll feel ourselves being disconnected and we'll say, ⁓ we haven't done FIS in three weeks. And so we'll have to make a date because it can take a little while. And it's really about, are you willing to take the time to put in to get that connection back knowing
Jessica Long (10:08)
Mm-hmm.
Stephanie Bacon (10:08)
it'll be leveraged because the rest of your time together will be so much more free, so much less friction, so much less hiding. But I also want to say it won't work if you're using it as a way to be right.
Jessica Long (10:24)
Hmm. Louder for the people in the back.
Stephanie Bacon (10:28)
So I'll say that again. By the time my ex-husband brought it to me, I was so determined to be right. I couldn't hear anything he had to say.
Jessica Long (10:37)
Yeah, I think all of us do that sometimes.
Stephanie Bacon (10:41)
A lot of times we feel misunderstood by our partner and we want to be right. I want to tell you how I'm right. Please understand me. the reason FIS can be helpful is if you go into a mindset if I more deeply understand my partner, my partner will be ready to more deeply understand me.
As soon as your partner feels like they're being heard, then they'll be more ready to hear you. So we have to let go of being right and come to being understood.
Jessica Long (11:14)
so knowing we can't go in with that perspective, I do want to keep getting through the acronyms. So we talked about the P and so we've got the physical connection and we've told our partner and heard from them how we're feeling in our bodies. What do we do next?
Stephanie Bacon (11:26)
What's on your hamster wheel? And one of my favorite phrases for what's on your hamster wheel is what else? Because it's really easy to go to the less vulnerable places to say what's on your hamster wheel and say,
Work is on my hamster wheel. So-and-so didn't respond to my emails I'm getting frustrated. I don't know how to follow up. OK, what else? And then what else? Until there's nothing else.
Jessica Long (11:54)
And so there's no goal of trying to fix these problems. It's just getting them out.
Stephanie Bacon (11:59)
Yes, you nailed it. And in that process, you're already going to be meeting that first objective by learning about your partner. And I think one thing as we get into midlife and we become so busy with all the things, it can be hard to learn about our partners. And there may be things on your partner's hamster wheel that they're thinking about and considering that you had no idea.
And what a beautiful opportunity to just say, I had no idea you were thinking about that. I had no idea that was weighing on you. You don't have to agree. You don't have to validate. You don't have to fix it. But you're certainly learning.
And I forgot to mention, my partner, I usually take turns. You do your P, I do my P. You do your H, I do my H. And then you do I, which is How are you feeling intellectually? Are you feeling stimulated? Are you feeling bored? Are you feeling disinterested? And again,
for some people, that's gonna be a point of connection because we don't always talk about our humanity as intellects.
Jessica Long (13:02)
Well, and I'm an Enneagram
5 and so is my husband, so for us, we're probably gonna love the eye.
Stephanie Bacon (13:08)
You're just going on and on and on. You guys might have to do time limit. ⁓
Jessica Long (13:11)
Yeah, we won't. The E will come
up and we'll look at each other and be like, ⁓ I don't know.
Stephanie Bacon (13:16)
Yes, that makes a ton of sense. And you could possibly put a timer on your eye and, or just celebrate it. Take a moment to say, God, I love that about us. I love that we are such nerds and we can talk about it because not everybody can. And just celebrate that part of you So again, because we're
Jessica Long (13:38)
like that.
Stephanie Bacon (13:39)
we're giving space to talking about our full humanity. We have time to celebrate it, not just deal with what's hard. And then as you said, the next part is E, is checking in emotionally. And this is where you wanna go back to the body in a sneaky way. A lot of times people will say, I feel good, know, it's the weekend and I'm glad to not be working. And so if that's what's happening, it's time to
check in and say, well, let's go back to your body. Do you notice any sensation?
usually there are sensations, it might be tension in the throat. Sometimes that can mean that you have something you wanna say, but are afraid to say. What do you think that emotion is? And you might say it's fear. know, I'm really afraid about not connecting with my mom in this hardship.
and I'm so busy, building my business and I'm not super motivated to hang out with her but I know time with her is precious and it feels yucky to me to want to focus on my business but no spending time with my mom is important and so I'm feeling actually a little selfish and guilty and so when you're going through that
You can validate It's okay to be focused on your business and it's okay to want to support your mom, but not be super motivated,
I'm sure you can think of some way to meet in the middle or something like that. Then say, how do you feel now? Do you have tension anywhere else? What do you think that tension might be about? Because the sensations in our body are emotions, Thoughts are the language of the brain. Emotions are the language of the body and energy is the language of the heart. And so
those sensations in the body are information our body trying to say.
reach out to your mom, give her a call. Find one time you can connect with her and you're going to be released of this burden of not doing anything, of feeling guilty, of this negative energy, of feeling like you're not integrity with who you want to be. It's gone because you have listened to that part and decided to take a line to action.
Jessica Long (15:44)
Yeah, just speaking your truth releases some of the tension and then deciding one small step you can take makes you feel that much better.
Stephanie Bacon (15:53)
Right. And again, here you are, you and your partner, just creating space to manage and even just deal with yourself, with someone there with you, with what's going on inside. And that's what we do at our girls weekends. That's what we do when we're connecting, but we often don't give that same space for our romantic partnership, but we want it. We want that intimacy.
We want that closeness that comes when they know that I'm holding two things that are really hard. A desire to support my mom and this focus on my business and not wanting to feel selfish.
Jessica Long (16:36)
Love it. Okay. And then we move on to the S which stands for three things, sexual, spiritual and what was the social? Thank you. All right. That
Stephanie Bacon (16:44)
social.
So
again, just another modification. When I learned about it from the men's group, the S was for spiritual or sexual. And I added social when working with my own sons because I know that social interactions are super important for them. were younger in their teenage years
at that time really want to talk to them about their sexual well-being. and we hadn't talked a ton about their spiritual well-being. Now we talk about all of those things, but I would say it's important for each person to decide what works for them. a lot of couples, I'm sure know this, but
our desire for sexual intimacy is often related to our intimate connection and our emotional connection. And so if we're not feeling like having sex, that may be because one of the points of connection is missing. your sexual desire can be the canary in the coal mine for your physical wellbeing if you're not feeling well.
your emotional well-being. You're not feeling connected. And so that's why a lot of times I would say start there with your intimate partner and decide if you want to talk about the other S's.
Jessica Long (18:03)
So that just brought up a question for me. Is it important that we go in order with these letters?
Stephanie Bacon (18:08)
I do think that going in order provides some advantages. I like to think of it as peeling an onion. it's easy to first talk about whether we have the sniffles, our back aches, our energy level. And it's easy to talk about our hamster wheel, especially if we get better about going, else, what else, what else, anything else?
The other things are a little bit harder to talk about. And so I think by starting with the physical and the hamster wheel intellectual, are the easier things to talk about. And so you're having all these points of connection in between to then say, ooh, how are we doing emotionally? And actually, how are we doing sexually?
Jessica Long (18:39)
Makes sense.
Mm-hmm. Well, this brought up another question, which is, we start with the physical contact and talking about our bodies, but I'm imagining scenarios where you just feel so disconnected from your partner. To your point, you were saying sometimes you don't want to have sex with your partner when you're feeling very emotionally disconnected from them. Sometimes you don't even want to hold their hand. So how do you even get started? with this protocol?
Stephanie Bacon (19:12)
I would say that the way to get started is by telling the truth. You want to be connected with your partner. What partner is going to be turned off or turned away or defensive to you saying, hey, I want to feel more connected to you. I heard about something on this podcast. Can we try it? If anyone comes to me saying, want to be more connected to you, even if it's a person I've had a lot of beef with.
I'm a human, we are interdependent. It's a yes for me. But that part is hard. It's hard for us to change what we normally say to our partner. Saying, want to feel connected to you or I want to be more connected to you is something we usually don't say. But please, add the word connect and connected to your regular vocabulary. It is a game changer. I use it all the time with my kids. I use it with my friends.
Everybody loves connection. If you say, I want to talk to you, they might think, are you going to tell me something I did wrong? I want to connect with you more would be the first step and see what happens.
Jessica Long (20:14)
I like that my husband and I sometimes will put on our calendar when we're gonna have a conversation, but I actually prefer writing in like Jessica and Sam connection time versus Jessica and Sam having a talk or whatever, whatever we might call it. it makes a difference. Okay. And then what about someone who feels like they have a partner who gets really defensive pretty easily or shuts down or isn't super connected to themselves?
Stephanie Bacon (20:26)
Bye.
Jessica Long (20:41)
So they might not even be able to answer some of these questions around emotions. How are you feeling emotionally or spiritually? What's your advice there?
Stephanie Bacon (20:51)
That's a great question. Defensiveness is really common when we feel like we're never seen for what we are doing or what we're trying. And sometimes it's hard to see people because we don't even know what they're working on inside. So I think if you sense someone is getting defensive while you're talking to them, maybe you try this, just say, what are you feeling in your body right now? I noticed your voice changed.
And whatever they say, it's okay. You can validate without agreeing. So they might say, I feel like you're attacking me and you're thinking to yourself, I'm not attacking you. I'm literally just telling you that there's 15 things on my hamster wheel and it's taking my bandwidth. And I wanted to let you know what's on my mind. Instead of saying that say, I can see why you feel.
attacked. I'm saying a lot of things because that's true. If a person is feeling attacked, they're feeling attacked. It might not be your fault. And you as the person receiving their defensiveness could have done nothing wrong.
and they can feel attacked because some kind of vulnerability is exposing that part of them that has felt attacked before or that part of them who no one wants to listen and understand their story. And so.
Jessica Long (22:12)
Yeah,
I feel like there's historical, I don't want to use the word trauma too lightly, but there's something in their past that's making them respond this way even, sitting down and having the conversation might feel scary because in the past when this has happened, it didn't work out in their favor, for example.
Stephanie Bacon (22:30)
Right, right. And just owning that, you could even say, I know that sometimes in the past, we've ended in a tax or we have this cycle. So tell me more what you're feeling right now. Tell me what I might be misunderstanding. Tell me how you're feeling misunderstood. And then let that be true for them.
Jessica Long (22:51)
I'm thinking you really have to be regulated to get into this framework though, too, because, I'm hearing what you're saying and it all sounds great, but I'm like, boy, it would be really hard to not immediately get defensive if my partner said I feel attacked because that would make me get on the defensive then and I would want to say I'm not attacking you, you know. So I really would have to work on regulating myself before.
being able to enter into this framework.
Stephanie Bacon (23:22)
I'm going to tell you the secret sauce. course you're going to want to regulate yourself for sure. But the secret sauce is just trying it, trying the different thing. So it would be like, yeah, I hear a voice changing, tell me what you're feeling inside. I'm feeling attacked. I feel like you don't see my efforts. And you just say, OK, tell me more. You're bringing this up again.
Jessica Long (23:23)
Please.
Stephanie Bacon (23:49)
you're always harping on me for this. Okay. Tell me more. and just getting so curious. And I know even getting curious has become a phrase we say too much, but try it. Tell me more. Tell me how you feel when I bring this topic up, when I bring up how dirty the kitchen is or how your mother treats me. Tell me more. ⁓ okay. And so the more you can turn
their defensiveness into tell me more, tell me about it, your whole physiology will change because you're not going in to fight, you're going in to find out.
Jessica Long (24:27)
But yeah, okay, I feel tightness in my solar plexus as you're talking. I feel tightness because I feel resistance. I feel physical resistance in my body listening to this. And like my therapist used to always tell me, get curious, not furious. And I would be like, I just can't do it. because I realized about myself after years of working with her that I have these stories that I tell myself.
Stephanie Bacon (24:34)
Yes!
Mm-hmm.
Jessica Long (24:52)
And
I am such a good storyteller apparently that I believe them to be true. And so I've already decided why he's acting that way without asking him. And the few times that I actually successfully was able to talk to him about it, I was usually wrong, but I get myself all spun up. So I know one of the major pinnacles you talk about is nervous system regulation. And I'm just literally feeling in my body right now as we're talking about this, how important it is.
to enter this conversation, regulate it, and to know how to get yourself there before you start.
Stephanie Bacon (25:28)
Yes. And actually relationship is like any sport. You have to build muscle memory. So it starts happening when you don't think of it. And so one of my favorite frames for what you were just experiencing when I was saying, Hey, when your partner gets defensive, you're going to just ask them about it and, and let that be true. And you're like, no, I'm not. It's starting to ask your solar plexus. What else could be true? What else could be true?
Jessica Long (25:49)
Hahaha
Right.
Stephanie Bacon (25:58)
What else can we do?
Jessica Long (25:58)
I started trying to practice that questioning my own story, is that true? know it's true? Could something else be true? And starting to find evidence to dispute my story and to support other theories. And that does really help. We need to wrap up stuff. Otherwise, I'll talk to you for the next five hours and I'm going to invite you over and have you moderate.
Stephanie Bacon (26:20)
you
Jessica Long (26:21)
Okay, but for the listener who's thinking, okay, I want to give this a try. What's your best piece of advice for the first time you're going to try this framework?
Stephanie Bacon (26:31)
is really to play with the idea of paradox. That two things can be true that seem in opposition and start seeing it everywhere. Start there. Like when you decide you're going to try this protocol, say, I'm going to start looking for paradoxes. Where can two things both be true? My kids trying really hard and still not getting their room clean or whatever it is, embracing that two things can be true.
that are seemingly polar opposites is gonna set you up. And then, of course, regulate your nervous system and come back to I'm doing this because I want to feel more connected with you and I want to feel more connected with you because I care so deeply about you and us.
Jessica Long (27:18)
I love that and the mantra, I'm here to understand. I'm here to understand. I'm not here to be right. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom with us. Where can everyone find you and learn more about your work?
Stephanie Bacon (27:24)
Exactly.
So my website is RippleEffectEmbodiedSEL.com. on TikTok, I'm RippleEffectEmbodiedSEL. have lots of little short tidbits on TikTok. Instagram is RippleEffectWithDrStef. on LinkedIn, I'm Stephanie Bacon, PhD. I would love to connect with your amazing audience.
Jessica Long (27:51)
Awesome. I'll put all those links in the show notes everyone so you can go find her there. Thank you for your time. I can't wait to give this a try and report back.
Stephanie Bacon (28:00)
I want to hear the report for sure.
Jessica Long (28:03)
Before we wrap up, here are three takeaways from this conversation that really stood out for me. First, if you want better conversations with your partner, start with your nervous system. When we're dysregulated, defensive, or already spun up with stories in our heads, it's almost impossible to truly hear each other. Second, the FI's framework gives you a simple structure to talk about your full human experience. So checking in physically, sharing what's on your hamster wheel, talking about what's stimulating you intellectually, naming your emotions.
and exploring connection in the social, sexual, or spiritual sense creates space for that type of intimacy that many couples say they miss. And third, the goal isn't to be right. The goal is to understand. When both partners feel seen and heard, the entire dynamic shifts. If this episode resonated with you, please make sure you follow the show and leave a rating and review. That's the best way you can help me land badass guests like Dr. Steph. Thanks so much for listening, and I will see you next week.
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Disclaimer:
Belong Wellness and its members, managers, employees, contractors, and other agents or representatives are not licensed medical care providers and do not provide medical services or advice, including without limitation diagnosing, examining, preventing, treating, or curing any medical conditions. The information shared in this podcast is meant to be educational, not prescriptive. Please consult your medical doctor before making any changes to your diet or lifestyle. Further, the opinions of guests on this show do not necessarily reflect the opinions of Jessica or anyone affiliated with Belong Wellness.
